allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
