a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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