Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
