i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
