I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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