My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
