I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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