Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
