just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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