OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So squirting runs in the family.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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