what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
