he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
