I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
