I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
