Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
