I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
