Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
