Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
