Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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