i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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