Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
