You just made me feel so damn special
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
