My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
