I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
