batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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