Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
