Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
