I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
