i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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