I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
