i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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