He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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