my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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