last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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