I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
