Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love you. Go after that dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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