I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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