Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
