Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
