I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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