why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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