I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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