My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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