if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
