i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
