you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
