Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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