just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
