Just fell off a train. Bad.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
