dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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